


I tried to think but couldn't (so I jumped in and sank)

by loveless_klark



Series: Broken Souls [1]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Mental Breakdown, Suicidal Thoughts, nobody's happy, this is not a happy story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-28
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:01:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23884915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loveless_klark/pseuds/loveless_klark
Summary: Clarke gets a call from Lexa at two in the morning. Lexa's not okay.- This goes heavy into mental issues. Fair warning.
Relationships: Clarke Griffin & Lexa, Clarke Griffin/Lexa
Series: Broken Souls [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1832059
Comments: 5
Kudos: 71





	I tried to think but couldn't (so I jumped in and sank)

**Author's Note:**

> Listen, I've been feeling terrible. Yesterday, I posted a fluff story to try and cope with it, today I feel worse and am posting a story about an emotional breakdown. What Lexa's feeling is partly how I'm feeling - not suicidal, I'm not that deep in yet, but this quarantine is really fucking me up. If the progression of my pain is anything to go by, I may end up like this before quarantine is over. 
> 
> Be safe. Get help. Please don't hurt yourself.

Clarke woke up to her phone buzzing on the table.

She groaned, rolling over to grope lazily at it. Staring blearily at the screen, she saw Lexa’s face grinning in the background. She swiped to answer, turning it on speaker. “Lex?”

The first thing she heard was heavy breathing. “Clarke?”

“Yeah.” She blinked awake, moving to sit on the side of the bed. “You need something?”

“Can you come over?”

She looked at the clock. Two in the morning. “Lexa, it’s early. Can-”

“Please!” Lexa’s voice broke. “Please, Clarke.”

She was out of the bed in an instant. “You okay?”

Silence. A quiet “no” pushed Clarke faster.

She kept the phone call going, not talking, just keeping it there in case Lexa had anything to say. When she slid into the front seat of her car, the phone beeped. She glanced at the screen. Ended call.

Lexa lived fifteen minutes away, in an apartment complex that cost more than Clarke could afford. She made it there under ten. When she unlocked the door, it was dead silent.

“Lexa?” Clarke made her way through the dark apartment toward the bedroom tucked at the end. “Lex?”

The door to her bedroom was open just a crack. Clarke opened it and glanced in. The moonlight didn’t do much, but Clarke could make out Lexa’s figure, curled up on the bed. The door creaked. Lexa shifted slightly, just enough to see the person at her door.

“Clarke,” she rasped, scrambling out of the bed. Clarke went toward her, face etched with concern, Lexa tumbling toward her. Clarke caught her against her chest. Lexa pressed as far as she could into Clarke’s body, shaking, shoulders hunched over. She muffled her sniffles against Clarke’s skin.

Clarke stood still for a second, surprised, before wrapping Lexa in an embrace. For the years she’d known Lexa, even in high school when they’d have sleepovers and tuck up in a chair together to watch movies, she’d never been a hugger. Never big on affection at all. Even though Clarke was a very physical person, always touching, she’d left Lexa alone. She’d thought it made her uncomfortable. That was what she portrayed, anyway. 

It was hard to believe that same girl was trembling in her arms now after begging for her to come.

Clarke rubbed Lexa’s back, still a bit unsure of what to do. “Lex? What’s wrong?”

“It  _ hurts _ ,” she whispered, tears falling silently onto Clarke’s neck. “It hurts, Clarke.”

“What hurts?” The raw emotion behind Lexa’s words made Clarke want to cry. She sounded so pained, so weak, Clarke didn’t know that anyone could sound so broken.

Lexa only shook more. “It  _ hurts _ ,” she sobbed. “My heart aches and my chest feels so empty and I can’t fucking  _ do it  _ anymore. Everything burns and I just feel so  _ alone  _ and nothing will help me and I just  _ can’t _ .” Lexa’s arms locked in a death grip around Clarke. “Please help me. Please make it stop because I swear if it doesn’t I-” 

Lexa heaved a sob, legs giving out beneath her, and Clarke fell with her, tangling in a heap of tears on the carpet. They were both crying now, tears staining their skin. Clarke pulled Lexa close into her, curling around her, trying to shut her off from the world. “I’m here, Lex,” she muttered. “I’m here, it’s okay, I’ll help you, just please don’t do anything because I couldn’t handle it if I lost you.”

They coiled into a tangled, quivering mess of tears and heartache. Lexa was gasping, face pressed into Clarke’s collar, struggling to breathe through the onslaught of emotion that poured over her. Each hiccuping sob sent another pang of agony through Clarke. How could she not have known? Lexa was her closest friend; they’d known each other for too long to know. She should have noticed. How had she not noticed?

Clarke buried her face in Lexa’s hair. “I’m sorry,” she muttered, tears choking her up. “I’m so sorry.”

Lexa wanted to tell her no, it wasn’t her fault, she couldn’t have known, but the words got caught in her throat and came out as a blubbering sob. She clutched Clarke’s shirt in her fists and cried. Cried for herself, for Clarke, for even  _ thinking  _ about doing anything to herself because she would rather suffer ten times this than to do that to Clarke.

There, on the floor of Lexa’s apartment, two girls broke apart in each other’s arms.

The pieces would be hell to clean up, but at least there would be something to put back together.


End file.
